The time I shit myself

I was 22. A girl I’d been close friends with before she moved away was in town and invited me for a drink with her and her new boyfriend. I meet them, have a couple beers and go home. Very unremarkable evening.

Drive home is 45 minutes through bumfucknowhere. Halfway there my stomach starts doing flips. I manage to hold on until I see a Walmart. I come screeching into the parking lot, throw open the car door; and, as I stand up, it all comes out. A river of shit. I couldn’t believe it. I hadn’t even eaten anything. And the beer was light beer for chrissake. I just sat back down and drove home.

For years, I had no idea what had happened. Then one night a mischievous waiter friend of mine mentioned putting Visine in customers’ drinks to give them the shits. Suddenly it clicked.

I am 99% sure my friend’s boyfriend thought his girl was making him hang out with some guy she used to fuck and put something in my drink. It was the first time a friend’s jealous boyfriend put something in my drink. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the last.