Ted Cruz: To know him is to love him. That glorious dad bod. The greasy side part. His steadfast support of a president who mercilessly mocked him before millions during televised presidential debates. That grating Warren T. Rat voice. But, most of all, we love Ted because he makes us laugh. Over the years, Ted’s delivered so many gut busters, it’s hard to keep track. Well, here are five times Ted Cruz made us laugh that will send you chortling down memory lane.
1. The time Ted Cruz endorsed Konni Burton for the Texas Senate
On June 16, 2018, just hours before hitting the basketball court with Jimmy Kimmel–a man who compared him to a blobfish–TC (as we all lovingly call him) yelled “God bless Texas” over the opening chords of Eye of the Tiger at a shindig for Trump-loving, lib-cuck-hating Texas Republicans. Next, he delivered the most original and hysterical joke I’ve heard in my whole fucking life: “What do you call a thousand lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start!”
Sorry about that. I had to take a break to pick myself up off the floor. After a 20 minute speech and a faux movie trailer for his upcoming basketball game, Ted posed for photos with Texas State Senator Konni Burton and tweeted his support for her. LOL. You’re so funny, TC. Isn’t that the wedding planner turned house wife turned Tea Partier who wore anti-abortion cowboy boots her first day in office? Why not just endorse Ronald McDonald’s evil twin Donald McFuckThePoorAndTheyMomma? It’d be a less on the nose jest and involve less clownish couture.
2. The time Ted Cruz made fun of a politician for using a nickname
Remember that time in March 2018 when Ted Cruz (real name Rafael Edward Cruz) accused his Democrat opponent, Robert Francis O’Rourke, of being deceitful because he went by the nickname “Beto” when he himself goes by the nickname “Ted”? Ha. Yeah, me too. TC, you so funny.
3. The time Ted Cruz wrote an effusive article about a man who insulted him, his father and his wife
Who can forget the time TC wrote a three paragraph essay for Time magazine praising Donald Trump? That’s right: Trump, the guy who dubbed him “Lyin’ Ted”, suggested Cruz’s daddy was part of a conspiracy to have President Kennedy assassinated, and sent out this lovely comparison of their wives:
Some people have accused Teddy of being a self-serving coward for his consistent praise of a man who has never once apologized for the many insults he lobbed at him on the campaign trail, but we know better. We know ol’ TC is just having a laugh at our expense. That kidder.
4. The time Ted Cruz “liked” a porn video on Twitter
Who can forget the time, in September 2017, when Ted Cruz “liked” a Tweet from porn account @SexuallPosts. Cruz quickly blamed an employee for the wayward hearting of a naughty Tweet. Really, we all know TC, that prankster, was behind the whole thing. What a knee-slapper.
5. The time Ted Cruz had a roommate
Probably the best joke TC ever played on us was that time in the early 1990’s when he, against all odds, made his college roommate hate him (with complete foreknowledge that, 26 years later, TC would run an unsuccessful presidential campaign that would grate on the man’s soul and lead him to compulsively post Twitter rants about how much he hates the future politician). Among other criticisms, Teddy’s former roomie has called him “a nightmare of a human being” and claimed the future senator never got laid, masturbated all the time and left a filmy substance on everything he touched.
Decades later, in December 2016, Cruz went on a bit of a creepy rhapsody about how much he loves queso, describing eating it as “visceral, emotional, powerful.” One can only assume the filmy substance the gifted comedian left all over his Princeton dorm room was a mixture of Ted-spunk and cheese dip.
So those are my top five funniest Ted Cruze moments. Naturally, there are countless other hysterical moments from the droll politician. Post your favorite in the comments below.